The Purest Form

Last night we were watching a television show, and on this show, one of the characters was pregnant, and she and the father were sitting in a hospital room, waiting anxiously for the doctor to tell them that their baby was doing well.  Only the doctor didn't, she told them that she wasn't able to locate a heartbeat on the ultrasound.  We turned to each other, thinking that the image on the screen was a mirror of our own expereience not that long ago.  Last summer, Sean and I experienced a miscarriage.  I can speak for both of us and say that it was one of the most devestating experiences of our lives, an emotional and physical pain I would not wish on anyone.  We were told repeatedly, and by many, that this was "common", it was natures "quality control", that we had done absolutely nothing wrong, and I know that they are right.  I've taken anatomy and biology, I understand what an intricate process it is when chromosomes and DNA are winding themselves together to create life, and that there are so many things that can go wrong.  I know that it wasn't a baby, it was an embryo at the beginning stages of growth that just stopped growing because something didn't connect in the appropriate sequence.  I know it, but I didn't feel it.  To us this was our baby and our baby had died and we were bereft and left to find a way to move on.  For the longest time, I hid away from everyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, see them, or even leave my house.  I just felt like I had failed.  I had failed my baby, Sean, my family and I couldn't face that.  No matter how many ways I knew that this was not my fault, I just couldn't accept it, could not get over it.  And I never did.  Get over it, I mean.  I probably never will, but fortunately, or unfortunately, however you want to look at it, times flows on and before you know it, you've arrived at the near future and you realize that despite the fact that you think about it every day, feel the loss every moment, you've survived and managed to be just fine.  There are a lot of reasons for this, we hugged each other every moment we could, and sobbed ourselves into dehydration.  We also got a lot of support from family and friends, once I allowed them to peirce my greif bubble. 

And of course, Artisan.  The sweetest little puppy that entered our lives just a little over a month after our personal tragedy.  Suddenly we had a differently focus.  It wasn't our baby but he was a baby nonetheless and he needed us.  Right or wrong, we poured all the love we had held inside for our baby, onto his curly little head and never looked back.  Now at nine and a half months old, he's...unique to say the least.  I'm fairly certain he doesn't even know he's a dog, but why would he, we treated him like our baby.  He saved us when we needed it most, made us laugh and melted our hearts with his teddy bear eyes that looked at us so adoringly.  There isn't a person in our lives who doesn't give us a rash of shit over the fact that he's spoiled and needy, telling us we shouldn't carry him so much or freak out and rush him to the vet every time he makes a weird noise, and maybe they are right but this is how it is.  Artisan is smart, obediant (for the most part), loving and quirky.  I know he's not my actual child but I don't see the harm in loving him the way we do, and in fact its the least we can do for all he's done and continues to do for us.  Artisan was our personal savior and for that, he deserves nothing less in return.